Encouragement and Discouragement

I had a really good conversation with another KAPer who flies much larger format cameras than I'd ever considered. Some of my doubts about my choice of lens and overall design for the 4x5 box camera were put to rest, and I got a lot of good advice for how to proceed from here. The amount of information was nothing short of astounding, and I'm still trying to digest it all. But I do know this: If the camera-building bug catches me as hard as I think it might, this won't be the last camera I'll design and build, and it surely won't be the largest.

I also had the roughest bout of dystonic tics I've ever experienced. This was right before a pretty tricky bit of machining on a part for a shutter assembly at work, so I was a little rattled by the time it all finished. I was also just about falling-down exhausted. I really don't know how people who have full-time full-body tics handle it. I went ahead and machined the part, and it came out ok.

But it brought up a lot of bad memories about people's reactions to my tics. I can't say I don't mind the tics themselves, but they're part of who I am, so I guess I'm used to them. But I'll never get used to how people react. The last time I was really peaking like this one of my co-workers refused to let me drive, claiming I was crazy. They weren't being funny or sarcastic, or anything of the sort. They were dead serious. At one point they refused to get in the same vehicle as me, even if I wasn't the driver.

The same kind of thing has happened recently, too. I've been doing on-and-off mentoring for a local robotics team, and some fairly minor (for me) tics set in. One of the students said, "Tell me that was voluntary. Because if that was involuntary, you've got problems!" I replied, somewhat flippantly, "I have a whole bunch of things I do involuntarily." I guess it wasn't very reassuring. The subject hasn't come up again.

So the conversation with the fellow KAPer was nice in another way, too: My upper-body dystonics don't involve my right arm, so I used that one to hold the phone. I was ticcing up a storm, and our conversation continued as if nothing was happening. Because as far as the conversation went, nothing was happening. It didn't get in the way of what we were talking about, so why should it be a problem?

On my way home after finishing the machining, it just occurred to me that it could be that way all the time if people were just willing to bend a little. My tics don't make me sad, or depressed, or ashamed. It's how people react to them that causes those feelings.

I've probably mentioned it before, but This Alien Shore by C.S. Friedman is on my short list for favorite books to bring with me if I ever get stranded on an island. She explores this idea in the story, and one of the characters even has all the characteristics of TS (though that term is never mentioned in the book, which is one of the things I like about it!) I'd describe her take on this further, but it really would be a spoiler for a good read. Enjoy the book instead.

Back to the subject of kites and cameras, I picked up my B&H package from the post office on the way back from lunch. 50 sheets of film and enough chemicals to develop them all, and then some. I have materials in-hand to build the camera, and incentive to do so after the phone conversation. I'm planning to do some KAP and 4x5 ground photography this weekend, but in the next few weeks I hope to finalize the camera design and start building it.

Tom